Valentine Advice from Mary Sue

I knew I was courting trouble with yesterday’s post. I’ve tried to hold her off for a while now, but unfortunately it has been brought to my attention that I am in need in of romantic help. Sigh. And apparently if I need help, then the world masses also need help. So my resident romantic/self-improvement expert has ordered me to let her, invited herself to, has demanded to be let out of her cell suggested that she take over for today’s post. I’m sorry. If you have any doubt as to her qualifications, her vast and sundry bio can be found here

Ladies and germs, I give you the vibrant, benevolent, egomaniacal, Mary Sue…

*******

And Zillah wonders why she’s single on Valentines.

Seriously, ladies, it’s not too late. I know what you’re thinking – ‘But I’m not even in an established relationship and Valentines Day is just days away!’ I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter in the slightest. Take it from the master (that would be me) – if you play your cards right, they’ll be lining up to take you out come February 14th.  ‘But Mary, why should we believe you?’ Please, let’s do the math: Legolas, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Edward Cullen (though that was a mistake – never date a guy who sparkles more than you do), Obi-Wan Kenobi…my list of smitten admirers goes on and on. And believe me, you can have that in your own life (though not them – let’s be honest, how much better can a guy do after me?)

First up: Fix yourself up. Get yourself in something sparkly and glam it up, darlings! This time of year is difficult because everything is sparkly and eye-catching, so your job is to outdo every decoration you walk by. It doesn’t matter if you can rock slinky and sexy or fluttery and adorable – as long as you can be spotted by the right people within a twelve-mile-radius, you’re good. I also recommend doing something unusual with your hair for that added touch – extensions so it’s long enough to step on, shave it close with a few little tendrils in front…it doesn’t matter as long as it’s different. When it comes to strutting your inner Sue, different is what’s gonna get you noticed. You could also rock a pair of violet contacts, but this is an advanced option and can be insanely potent – don’t use them lightly.

Now that you’re glam, get out of the house. Even when the calendar hits the 14th, DO NOT GIVE UP.  Frequent places where you could bump into your prince/anti-hero/vampire soul mate/ elf sidekick. Now for me, castles and paths through forests work really well, but in your case you might choose to go to the store, tavern, library, whatever. Here’s where my school of thought differs – DON’T make the mistake of walking around and smiling coyly. A man doesn’t know what he wants, so you have to show him what he can have right out of the gate. No, get yourself some self-confidence, stride on up to your ‘one and only’ (until the next one and only, anyway), introduce yourself, and burst right into song. You may feel self-conscious doing this, but trust me – guys appreciate a straightforward profession of love. I’ve done it many times and it always works. It’s even better if you can smuggle an instrument into whatever place you’re haunting. This could be a harmonica, a ukulele, a pipe organ – it doesn’t matter. Just give it all you’ve got.

Be careful of moving in groups. It’s fine if you want to go out with your animal sidekicks of choice – after all, it’s their job to make you look kind and alluring. But a group of your friends? This is a toughie. Gal pals can either be really good at helping you out or really bad at attracting attention that should be meant for you. My advice? If you go out with a group of gal friends, make sure they all wear signs that say SIDEKICK on them. This way there’s no doubt which of you is in charge and worth taking home.

A more advanced maneuver is to find a high-traffic area…this could be between buildings at your campus, right in the middle of the hall at work, in front of a grocery store, etc. Now this trick is going to go against all your inner Sue instincts, but it’s amazingly effective. What I want you to do is rough yourself up, think of something horrible, and cry your eyes out. That’s right, I want you to cry, but the trick is to remain feminine! It’s a fine balance between tragic heroine and batshit crazy girl – you HAVE to know how to play that line to make this work. People will come up to you in droves, so make sure you have the guy you want to ask out in your sights ahead of time, because although you may get a full net, most of the people this gesture attracts won’t be of any use to you. When your prince charming asks what’s wrong, fill his ear with how awful your day is going, how your overlord father wouldn’t let you out of your tower and you just barely managed to escape his wrath and now you’re on the run, you’re trying to finish a quest but got attacked by rabid trolls…use your imagination. Men have an innate urge to play protector and rescuer, so let him. As soon as you’re alone with him, that’s when you act grateful and suggest that maybe going out to dinner would be a good way to take your mind off things…with flowers. And jewelry.

Now let’s say it’s February 14 and for some reason you still don’t have plans. It’s okay – there’s still hope! Think of it – how romantic would it be to stumble/fall on/be chased by your soul mate on Valentines Day! Think of the stories you could recount on your anniversaries! But here again, men don’t think like this, so you need to get yourself glammed up, get your confidence on, find someone who looks like a potential soul mate, and go right up to him and tell him. That’s it – this late in the game there’s no time to mince words.You want love on Valentine’s Day? Then go right up to him and tell him you’re meant to be together and he can pick you up at eight! It’s as easy as that.

Trust me, these maneuvers may sound intense, but they work. I wouldn’t have the successful soul mate-finding history I’ve got without them. You can thank me come February 15.

******

Yeah, I warned you. Remember, while I can’t argue with her success rate, she’s not always popular for good reasons, so if you take her suggestions you may be taking your life in your hands. But she means well, so don’t forget to comment to be entered for my giveaway!

And while you’re at it, be sure to hit the Blog Hop Spot for all sorts of other contests and giveaways going on!

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~ by admin on February 12, 2012.

13 Responses to “Valentine Advice from Mary Sue”

  1. Lol, great advice and you dated Harry Potter, wasn’t he a bit young for you Mary Sue ? 😉
    Um, I don’t have any special plans for Valentine’s Day but you know it doesn’t sound all that bad after reading this one XD

    Thank you for the post!

  2. Lol. Loved your tips 🙂
    And the sparkling Edward part 😀

    Happy V-day!

    cayce006 at yahoo dot com

  3. Some good advice ,it may work. Happy Valentine’s day.
    deb p
    r.d1@myfairpoint.net

  4. Loved this post. I was chuckling through it. Thanks so much for all the tips. Now I just need to find the right guy and then tell him he is the Mr. Right.
    Happy V’day!
    June
    manning_J2004 at yahoo dot com

  5. Your “inner Sue” would you mean Sue the dinosaur? She’s a T-rex or in other words a real man eater.

    acm05atjuno.com

  6. Ok, that’s the most hilarious blog post so far XD

    I especially like the part were he agrees after coming to his senses lol

    Hm, being single doesn’t sound that bad suddenly and a nice evening at home with a movie 😉

  7. lol! Loved it!! Great tips!!
    Happy Valentine’s Day!!
    Ashley A
    ash_app@hotmail.com

  8. Thanks for all the great tips! Great post.
    Happy Valentine’s Day
    Jean
    skpetal at hotmail dot com

  9. Lol, well she has a great success rate XD
    Um, still I think I’ll stick to my usual thing, a best friends movie evening.
    Happy Valentine’s Day ^_~

  10. LOL Your tips are awesome! And so is your tag line. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Dana

  11. That mary sue is like an Aesop for todays single women

    jslindzy @ hotmail.com

  12. I enjoyed your post. Great tips! cheryllynne)at)rocketmail(dot)com

  13. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    ainfinger@comcastDOTnet

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