It’s Time for Mary Monday!

I still just don’t know how I feel about this feature but people responded so we’ll see how it goes. Just remember the standard disclaimer: you take Mary Sue’s advice at your own risk! I’m only letting her do this out of sheer hilarity and not because I think she’ll actually benefit people.

So without further ado I’ll turn it over to the violet-eyed one to see what kind of lives she can ruin  help today!

Dear Mary Sue…

 

First off – Don’t listen to Zillah. She’s obviously bitter of the success of other’s and if anyone needs help, it’s her. But until she sees the light we’ll just leave her alone off in a corner somewhere and get on with the empowering business at hand: my very first letter! Ooooh, I’m so excited I may have to sing! (I won’t, though. Some things are better left for special occasions, like stalking your one true love and serenading him underneath his window. At any rate, this week’s poor soul touches my heart on so many levels, so let’s take a look:

Dear Mary Sue,

My husband loves watching lacrosse on TV.  Is that justifiable cause for divorce? Or murder?

Sincerely,

Bored and Depressed

 

Dear Bored,

It’s hideous when life throws us a curve ball, isn’t it? One minute you think you’ve found and secured the love of your life and ever-lasting soul mate, and the next he’s suddenly congealing into the couch cushions and taking up time that could be put to better use pleasing you (because let’s face it – that’s what he’s there for!). There could be a few things going on here: he could be broken or sick and just needs some enticement to remind him that there is a whole world out there besides lacrosse and TV. If that’s the case just give him a little nudge – hide the TV and every time he asks about it pretend that you have no idea what he’s talking about and the television, in fact, never really existed. Same with lacrosse – it’s all a figment of his over-heated imagination and maybe becoming active in his life again (aka doing whatever you want) will be a good alternative to sitting around hallucinating all the time.

He may just need a distraction or a reminder that the world outside of television exists. Just dress up like a lacrosse stick and see if you can seduce him. Maybe a little interactive fun will distract him from the television, while still providing a sporty atmosphere.

It also could be that he’s testing the reigns – a lot of men do. I can’t tell you how many potential soul mates that I’ve had relationships with that started out dreamy and then showed their true colors. Sure, Legolas looks all yummy and dashing but he was always running off with that dwarf friend of his and I mean REALLY. A dwarf when he can spend time with me??? It made me really wonder what was going on there. And don’t get me started on Harry Potter…two weeks of perfection and suddenly it’s all about Voldemort trying to kill him and ruining the wizarding world and blah blah blah. In that case I tried the time-honored tradition of making him jealous but unfortunately Draco proved to be just as much into the dark lord as Harry. So you have to be careful in how you handle this! Hopefully since you’re married all it takes is a little reminder. In that case you do a lite version of my valentine advice for singles: primp yourself up a little bit and throw yourself on him. Get him in a headlock if you have to and tell him something sweet like “Remember that you married me, bub. You’re my soul mate so you’d better start acting like it or you’re not gonna be touching the glory that is me!” Unfortunately men have to be constantly reminded of what their priorities are. For something more subtle I recommend covering his things (and the television) with sticky notes reminding him that he is devoted to you and that he’s not fulfilling his role. If he gets the TV on you might want to consider having a pre-recorded message of you reminding him of these points as a last-ditch effort.

And if that doesn’t work, well…I’m not actively for murder or separation per say – not everyone can handle multiple soul mates the way I have (And believe me, it’s a LOT of work!) But I do think there’s nothing wrong with shoving him and the TV in a small dark room until he either pleads to do your bidding or stays quiet and at least isn’t sitting around in plain view like a lawn ornament on the inside of your house. The downside of this is that he may not notice – and in that case it may be time to go on a quest and find yourself a nice elf (that doesn’t like dwarves) or a vampire or something. Branching out can be a good thing!

***

You ever look at your columnists and just wonder what the hell is going on in their heads? I do. At any rate if you really want to see what advice Mary Sue will give you then feel free to send your letters either as comments or to Zillah (dot) Anderson (at) gmail (dot) com with the subject line Dear Mary Sue.

 

 

 

 

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~ by admin on March 19, 2012.

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