It’s time for another Mary Sue Monday!

It’s Monday and you know what that means…

As always please remember that I allow Mary on here for entertainment purposes and  you take her advice at your own risk!

Dear Mary Sue…

Wecome back,  everyone! I have to admit I’m a little hurt. After my last letter I expected flowers and showers of praise and gratitude and I received NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. I know helping people is it’s own reward,  but I probably should have specified that I will take gifts of jewelry if you feel inclined. So with that in mind,  let’s get to our next letter!

***

Dear Mary Sue:

I don’t normally ask for advice from people, especially not about romance. I have no problems in that realm. I mean, come on – I’m tall, blonde and can do the splits. Enough said.

I have this friend named…uh…Lacy. Yeah, that’s it – LACY. She’s such a dowdy hen. My friend Gretchen and I have been trying to pretty her up for a YEARS so she can get some. She says she’s only interested in “quality” men. I think her attitude could use a horizontal adjustment, know what I’m sayin’? Any advice?

***

Oh where do I begin? First off – dear intrepid writer who left their name off (on purpose,  I’m sure!) are you sure that you and this so-called Gretchen aren’t the real problem? Sure,  you may think you have no problems now,  but being blonde,  tall,  and flexible are hardly commodities in this modern world. Can you sing like a sparrow? Can you fight off assassins and orcs? Can you do needlework and tell stories while getting kidnapped so your soul mate can rescue you and finally get it through his head that he needs to commit? It seems that if anyone is in a rut, dear writer,  it’s you. You may have a lot of romance in your life but is it the right romance? And even if you think it is….do you know this for sure? Do you know it really and truly? I think it’s time to step out of the box and start developing other talents besides the obvious. Besides,  hair gets grey and figures droop but the power of Sue lasts forever.

Now then,  moving on to this ‘Lacy’ chick that you seem to have a problem with…Well first it seems to me that she’s the one that shows real potential and you and this Gretchen are undeniably threatened. Are you sure you’re not a sidekick that thinks they’re the main deal? Are you really trying to ‘pretty her up’ or to force her into sidekick mode for your own petty needs? If there’s anything I cannot stand it’s a sidekick who doesn’t know she’s a sidekick and keeps trying to get out of her place. I’d suggest getting yourself and Gretchen some nice sidekick signs and putting them round your necks so you don’t forget.

IF (and that’s a big if) this Lacy really does have a problem then it’s up to her to make herself look more interesting. But with all the boring blue-eyed blonde chicks out there (that make excellent sidekicks btw) being dowdy might just be the new blonde. At any rate, I can’t fault her for wanting quality men – they make the best soul mates and true loves. If anything,  she may want to expand her reach to looking for quality vampires,  werewolves, elves ,  demon hunters,  etc. Each have their own high points and it sounds like Lacy’s the right personality type to earn their love. She just needs to stick to her guns and be a little more aggressive about going after them. I’d suggest hanging out in pubs for elves or vampire baseball games (sex clubs are also good for vampires and demon hunters but one must work their way up to that level), and throwing herself at someone’s feet in the deft ‘feign the need to be rescued’ manuever that I’ve perfected through the years. It takes a deft touch to pull it off but it’s how I got close to Legolas for a while. Likewise,  she could get involved in a cause like demon or zombie hunting and could net herself a nice brooding assassin – by expanding my interests to include piracy I had quite a nice little time with a certain Captain Jack Sparrow. It sounds like she just needs to broaden her reach and try a little harder…her heart is in the right place. Believe me – I could tell tales on all the horizontal adjustments I’ve had through the years (and you can read about a bunch of them in many fine sites that provide fan fiction),  but it wasn’t until I realized that TRUE LOVE is where it’s at that I really started having ideal relationships. Lacy’s heart is totally in the right place – she just needs to try a little harder before she can get horizontal as you so charmingly put it. And it sounds like you, my fine friend,  need to get the chip off your shoulder and put on a good sidekick sign. Hope this helps!

xoxoxo

Mary Sue

***

*Beth, Gretch and Macy are characters from Holley Trent’s novelette Impersonating Dad which will be included in Rebel Ink Press’ Father’s Day anthology The Dad Plan.

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~ by admin on April 2, 2012.

2 Responses to “It’s time for another Mary Sue Monday!”

  1. “Are you sure you’re not a sidekick that thinks they’re the main deal?”

    Why, I NEVER! The WORLD is my sidekick. I think you’re jealous, Mary Sue, IF’S THAT’S YOUR REAL NAME.

    *files nails*

    • (raises an eyebrow) Do I have to remind you who wrote in asking who for advice? I don’t need to be jealous – I’m Mary Sue. Nuff said.

      xoxoxoxo

      Mary

      PS – You’d do yourself a favor to get the chip off your shoulder. Many sidekicks have flourishing romantic relationships – not as many as those of us who have risen above sidekick status of course – but it’s possible to have a fulfilling life as second banana.

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